Character Issues: Anakin Skywalker

The Stats:

Name: Anakin Skywalker
Height: 6’2
Weight: 175
Powers: Mastery of the Force
Type:  Emo Space Knight
Excels at:  Killing younglings
Fails at:  Manning up

The Character:

I really have never forgiven Anakin for killing Mace Windu.  Removing Samuel L. Jackson from the Star Wars Universe was a crime against all that is awesome.   I really don’t care about The Younglings or Padme, Mace Windu was everything I needed in the Prequels.   But I digress.  Anakin Skywalker is a dopey man-thing who started out as a dull child-thing in Star Wars: Episode I.

Anakin as a kid

Unlike most dull child-things in media, he was much less insufferable as a child.  His presence was tolerable when he was small due in large part to his proximity to the Grand Destroyer of Good, Jar Jar Binks.   As Anakin grew from child-thing to teenaged-thing and the stain of Jar Jar’s influence was fading from the Star Wars Franchise, his whiny insufferability grew.  The only two words in the English Language that describe Anakin in the second and third movies are “Punk Assed”. Punk Assed Annie betrayed the Jedi Order. Punk Assed Annie killed The younglings.  Punk Assed Annie Killed Mace Windu. Punk Assed Annie choked Padme.  Obi Wan dropped Punk Assed Annie into the lava flow.  Anakin is such a terrible character that his transformation into a cruel, faceless automaton was a fantastic improvement.

The Darth Abides

The Issues:

Anakin is powerfully unlikeable and it has nothing to do with the horrible shit he did to everybody.  Anakin is easy to hate because he just can’t DEAL.  He member of an order the emphasizes self discipline, yet he can’t take anything in stride. He can’t cope. You have never seen a person less able to deal with setbacks or disappointments.

Anakin Feels

He can fight on the front-lines of of galaxy spanning conflicts without hesitation.  He can handle close quarters combat with some of the deadliest fighters in the universe without breaking a sweat.  Let him have a bad dream involving his wife, he is likely to exterminate millions and betray everyone who has ever cared about him.  Make the mistake of telling him “No” and he will declare a blood feud with you that will cost billions of lives.


Anakin takes no ownership of controlling himself.  He is slave to his impulses.  Everything he does to you, is YOUR fault.  Anybody who is familiar with the fanchise knows that Anakin is sort of a sociopath.  But the thing that makes him so bad is his incessant whining.  He pisses and moans the entire time while doing all of this evil stuff sand just makes him seem childish.  He doesn’t see like an evil galactic warlord, he sounds like a petulant child.

The Fix:

This is a self correcting problem.  Darth Vader was the salve for everybody Anakin rubbed the wrong way.  Vader was evil without apology.  He didn’t try to rationalize his actions, he didn’t have to.  He was just doing Vader shit.

Torturing people for no reason…

or making his son an amputee…

Vader Beats Luke

Vader didn’t have the need to make others responsible for the things he did.  He was so much more of an interesting as a character before we knew so much about his backstory.  In the Prequels, I think that they should have made Anakin a true street kid stealing to eat, doing illegal pod races to feed his family.  Qui-Gon Jinn steps in as the guy who straightens Anakin out and puts him in the Jedi Order based solely on his potential and hoping the monastic ways of the Jedi Order will tame him.  He has a tough time dealing with Qui Gon Jinn’s death and Obi Wan is barely able to control him as he grows older.  Anakin grows into an angry and obsessive guy who only cares about the Jedi Order, Padme and Obi Wan.

Anakin’s slaughter of the Tuskens could be the the tip of the iceberg, have him be responsible for a number of War Crimes during the Clone Wars that the Jedi Order covered up but expelled him for. Obi Wan casts the deciding vote to expel Anakin believing that Qui Gon made a mistake and wanting Anakin to be able to enjoy a quiet life with Padme.  Palpatine could be responsible for discrediting the Jedi Order by attributing Anakin’s war crimes to other key members of the order. Palpatine, spinning Obi Wan’s concern for Anakin as jealousy and offering a chance to start his own Jedi Order, could very easily sway Anakin to his line of thinking.  This removes the strangeness of his switch to the Dark Side.   Make it so that Anakin was always kind of an asshole to everybody except those he cares for or respects and perceived personal insults or betrayals of his trust effect him deeply. His personality would be the catalyst for destroying all of his relationships and his transition to the Dark Side was a decision he ultimately made independently instead of something he was manipulated into.

Buy Episodes 1-3 here and see Punk Assed Annie work.

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