Powers: Reality Warping
Excels at: Ruining his parent’s lives
Fails at: EVERY GODDAMNED THING
Dedicated to all the parents out there, suffering through some of the worst children’s programming in history
Canada is the epicenter of many pop culture abominations. Drake’s from Canada as is Justin Bieber. In most cases, these two crimes against humanity would justify a permanent quarantine and global embargoes, but in a war weary world, we gave Canada a pass. We even overlooked the most blatant and egregious violation against a population of people since the Children’s Crusade: Caillou. Caillou is a diabolically evil child-thing who exists only to torment his family and friends. If he was your sibling, you would want to punch him while he was sleeping and helpless just so that you could inflict the same sort of anguish that Caillou inflicts on those near him every waking moment. He is the perfect vessel of evil and wrong in the world and is so casually asshollish that even his kindest gestures feel inspired by evil.
Caillou is a terrible human being. I know it seems premature to write off a four year old, but Caillou’s birth was heralded by a plague of locusts. Every episode is a journey into Caillou’s universe of self centered depravity. He does what Mickey and Mallory did in Natural Born Killers without actually killing people. I’m not sure who the narrator of the show is supposed to be. I like to imagine that they are being forced to narrate the story in such a grating voice while spinning Caillou’s ceaseless tantrums as an endearing character trait, because they are hostages 0f his reality warping powers and offending his Bald Whinyness could result in being placed in some sort of sanity destroying existential horror trap. Caillou is completely helpless. He is so phenomenally ineffective that his parents don’t even have any expectations for him. You know how most regular kids assert their independence? Caillou has no such drive. When he encounters an obstacle, he bitches and moans until one of the unfortunate souls ensnared in his web of influence comes to navigate or remove the obstacle for Caillou. No lessons learned, no growth experienced. He remains unchanged, ineffective and vile.
Caillou’s Family is disproportionately in receipt of his savagery. He’s psychologically tortured his mother into being little more than a marionette who provides him unconditional love and support, while offering him none of the structure or guidance a responsible parent gives to their children. Caillou’s father is completely ineffectual while Rosie, his kid sister is inexplicably, left to the mercy of this little tyrant on a consistent basis. Rosie is the permanent target of his psychotic jealousy. Since there aren’t any small animals to torture, he settles for Rosie to whom he has a horrifying amount of unsupervised access. Caillou is a despot on a level that other despots aspire to because his family genuinely loves him. He has weaponized that love and uses the shards of that affection to jab and prod his family into pleasing him.
Caillou is irredeemable and his very existence is an affront to all that is just in this world. He destroys all that he touches and his root of his influence directly targets the most impressionable of us. He is a malevolent entity that turns love into pain and he has no regard for the psychological scarring that his actions cause. The only way to prevent him from spreading his influence is to completely bar all Caillou related media from your home.