*I’ll be writing an article that gives my take on why Batman is the Greatest American Hero too. Fall back fanboys and fangirls.*
“The Goddamned Batman.”
A titled bestowed by esteemed lunatic Frank Miller in his character defiling All-Star Batman and Robin. All-Star Batman and Robin was a guided journey into the gaping maw of madness giving us Turnt Batman. Turnt Batman was a child kidnapping, bodypainting, scowly facing simmering cauldron of White Male rage. Turnt Batman was a study in extremes of character worship. He also was a perfect representation about everything that sucks about Batman. In the Millerverse, vileness is a virtue, Turnt Batman is Batman’s with his Millerverse virtues turned all the way up. I’m only using Turnt Batman as a reference point, regular Batman has these same attributes, they are just more blindingly obvious in Turnt Batman. Buckle in dear readers: This is why Batman Sucks:
1) Batman sucks at his job. What exactly is his job anyway??
What is Batman’s job? What exactly does he do? Gotham City is the DC Universe’s preeminent shithole. It’s crime ridden and corrupt on every level. Crime in Gotham has gotten worse every year Batman has been working. Batman has the ability and resources to affect change on the macro level but he’s committed to working on the micro level….punching things. Could he make sure Arkham and Blackgate are inescapable? Sure could. But who going to beat up and terrorize that purse snatcher? Why work to reform Arkham and make it a place that rehabilitates the criminally insane when chasing them down after their latest murder spree is so damn fun?
2) He sucks at protecting his own.
All but one of Batman’s Robins have died. The children he enlists to fight crime with him have a habit of getting dead. Bats gets his Angst Power-Up from Jason Todd but that designation has recently drifted over to Damien. The only thing more dangerous than being Batman’s sidekick is being Batman’s love interest. The Batcave is about as easy to get into as Bristol Palin’s pants. You would think having a guy who the smartest guy on the planet with an unlimited bank account would have Future Tech/Magic Level security protecting the compound that is connected directly to the place where his family SLEEPS.
3) He sucks at thinking and networking
Batman makes TERRIBLE decisions. The most glaring example of this is his reliance on sidekicks. Turnt Batman kidnapped his Robin and forced him to eat rats. Regular Bats adopts his sidekicks, gives them a few weeks/months of training and sends them off fight Killer Croc. You know….like the Juvenile division of the Navy Seals that the US Military uses to infiltrate active war zones and….no they don’t do that because that would be stupid. Last time I checked, Child Soldiers were only used by Despots….and Batman. Joker just nerve-gased an Elementary School? Lets drop him off at Arkham…again where the security is slightly less competent than Paul Blart. Why not ask Superman to set up a special wing in the Phantom Zone for Gotham’s worst offenders? Why not ask the Green Lantern to reserve a Sciencell or two? If something CLEARLY doesn’t work, shouldn’t the smartest guy on the planet be the first to abandon it? He works with the most powerful assemblage of beings in the Solar System, he never thought to ask them how they deal with their most dangerous rogues? No. Let’s burden Gotham’s ‘balsa wood’- like infrastructure with another criminal that they can’t possibly hope to manage.
4) He sucks as a person
Batman is an asshole. A self centered, ego maniacal, sociopath. He treats the people closest to him like shit. Dick, Jason Tim, Damien, Cass, Babs, Alfred…each and every one of have been on the end on Bruce’s brand of relational fuckery. Bruce doesn’t just give his loved ones the cold shoulder for making mistakes, he castigates and he ostracizes them. Each and every one of them is a better reflection of him and he never lets them live it down.
Dick – Better Leader
Jason – Better Vigilante
Tim – Better Detective
Damien – Better Warrior
Cass – Better Fighter
Babs – Better Genius
Alfred – Better Father
He punishes the ever living hell out of them for daring to be more competent than he is. Batman’s trolling extends to his teammates too. He is the JLA’s resident tool. Always there with an acerbic comment to sap the life out of the room. His relentless moralizing undermines their best laid plans and his paranoia makes forging any partnership with him impossible. Batman is the Anti-Teammate. The type of insufferable asshole who is a a perpetual kick in the nuts every time the squad starts making power moves. The type of jerk that only offers to help so that he can sit in not-so-quiet judgement when shit doesn’t work out.
That’s all I’ve got. Love it? Hate it? Have any feats of assholery that I missed? Drop them in the comments section.